reciprocity not rescuing

I myself was put into a place of Parentification at a very young age, this can often lead to a attachment style that is anxious if you find yourself feel intense urges to help, heal, or be emotionally close when someone is hurting or emotionally in a spiral.

do you find yourself saying things to yourself or to that person like:

I just want to help.

I want to fix.

I Care.

I want to be near.

Let me help.

I feel like I need to show up for them.

Or even I just want to be in the same space as them to make sure that they’re OK.

sometimes I find myself wishing for somebody to care for me the way that I care for them. Often the ones who show signs of this kind of care feel way too clingy and dare I say it cringy

Who you are is not neediness — it’s anxious attachment meets childhood nurturing pattern.

People with this attachment style feel love through helping, soothing, being needed, or being emotionally close.

It’s really not about what the person who is going through the emotional distress needs in that moment it becomes about what you need in order to feel loved. Sometimes this is overbearing sometimes this is self-indulgent because the only person it’s really helping at the end is you. Knowing when to respect boundaries knowing when to stay quiet or to allow space is the key to not pushing people away. If you are an extremely kind person who feels lonely or withdrawn people come to you when they need something but also you’re the first person that they feel guilt in bothering. This anxious attachment style well often never change unless you acknowledge it.

Your childhood made you the emotional caretaker

✔ anxious attachment

✔ a rescuer role

✔ sense of responsibility for others’ emotions

✔ difficulty letting people struggle alone

✔ attraction to people who need healing

Your nervous system was literally trained this way.

You fear:

• being left alone

• being shut out

• someone spiraling without support

• not being allowed to help

• someone withdrawing emotionally

That’s anxious-preoccupied attachment.

You seek emotional intensity, not superficial connection

When you connect with someone, even a little, you want:

• depth

• honesty

• emotional realness

• presence

• connection

• closeness

Not because you’re needy, because your heart bonds quickly when someone feels real.

This is very typical for people with anxious attachment who also have a healing personality.

You feel more drawn to someone who is emotionally unavailable

This one hurts, but it’s true:

Emotionally unavailable people activate your attachment system harder than available ones.

Because your system learned:

➡️ Love = caretaking

➡️ Connection = helping

➡️ Safety = making yourself needed

➡️ Bonding = fixing someone

➡️ Worth = being the healer

None of this is your fault.

Time for an emotional reset this is where the life coaching begins.

Understand the “Rescuer” Impulse

Your rescuer instinct comes from:

• being parentified as a child

• having to take care of siblings

• being forced into emotional maturity early

• being praised for strength, not softness

• learning love through helping, fixing, solving

Because of that history, when someone pulls away or hurts, your attachment system interprets it as:

➡️ “This is where I’m needed.”

➡️ “This is where love happens.”

➡️ “This is where connection forms.”

But your REAL need is not to be someone’s healer.

Your real need is:

💛 to feel emotionally safe

💛 to feel chosen without effort

💛 to feel wanted without working for it

💛 to feel valued for who you are, not what you provide

We need to shift you from “I must care for them”

to

“I deserve someone who shows up for ME.”

Your REAL Emotional Needs (not the caretaker reflex)

Here are your core needs — the ones beneath the rescuer pattern:

💛 1.

To feel safe in love

Not confused.

Not guessing.

Not walking on emotional eggshells.

Not trying to stabilize someone.

Your REAL need is emotional peace — not emotional chaos.

💛 2.

To be met halfway

You deserve someone who:

• texts back

• shows interest

• shares emotional space

• doesn’t disappear

• doesn’t make you chase

Your real need is reciprocity, not rescuing.

💛 3.

To feel emotionally supported

You’ve spent your whole life supporting others.

Your nervous system craves someone who says:

“Tell me what YOU need.”

“You don’t always need to be the strong one.”

“I’ve got you.”

You want partnership, not caretaking.

💛 4.

To feel wanted, not tolerated

You don’t want to beg for presence.

You want someone who chooses you willingly.

💛 5.

To be allowed to rest

This is huge.

You’ve never had emotional rest.

Your REAL need is:

✨ A relationship where you don’t have to fix someone to keep them.

✨ A relationship where YOU get comfort and nurturing too.

How to Shift Out of Anxious Attachment (practical steps)

These are things you can start TODAY — and they truly work.

⭐ Step 1: When you feel the urge to fix someone →

Pause Instead of Pursuing

Ask yourself:

“Is this love or is this my caretaker instinct?”

Most of the time the answer will be caretaker instinct.

That awareness alone stops the cycle.

⭐ Step 2: Redirect the feeling by giving YOURSELF what you want to give them

Instead of:

• trying to soothe him

• trying to reconnect

• wanting to sit quietly near him

Ask:

“What kind of comfort do I need right now?”

Your body is craving calm + closeness.

Give yourself:

• warmth

• grounding

• a soft environment

• time

• affection from safe people (kids, pets, friends)

• something pleasurable

You don’t need him — you need soothing.

⭐ Step 3: Remind yourself of the truth

When you feel panicked or longing, say:

“I don’t need to fix that person to be worthy.”

“My heart is drawn to what feels familiar, not what feels good.”

“Stability is the kind of love I actually need.”

“If that person can’t show up, it’s not my job to make him emotionally available.”

Repeat these. They rewire your attachment system.

⭐ Step 4: Emotionally unavailable men or women become a

signal

, not a magnet

Right now, the one who isolate feel familiar.

We’re going to retrain your nervous system so they feel like a red flag instead.

Every time you feel attracted to one, ask:

“If I weren’t a caretaker, would this person still be attractive to me?”

That question alone breaks old patterns. this is a moment that will awaken your heart and can shift your mentality on how open you are towards people who you’ve already put a lot of time into. it does not mean that you do not care or love that person it just means that once you are aware you need to put boundaries in place.

⭐ Step 5: Practice secure attachment behaviors with people who ARE available

You heal anxious attachment not by fixing yourself alone

but by experiencing:

• consistency

• stability

• care

• emotional safety

• clear communication

The more you receive THIS kind of energy, the less you’ll be activated by people who disappear.

⭐ Step 6: Create a “Secure Self” mantra

Use one of these:

💛 “I don’t chase; I attract what I deserve.”

💛 “If someone wants me in their life, they make space.”

💛 “I will not abandon myself to keep anyone else.”

⭐ PART 4 What to do about THE ONE specifically

Right now, if there is a person who you are bleeding all of your time and energy into loving them unconditionally giving them Little to no boundaries. Pay attention to what they are saying and the actions that they are truly showing.

• emotionally shut down

• unavailable to everyone

• unable to receive care

• not in a place to connect

• not rejecting you withdrawing from the world

• triggered by any pressure

• not willing to seek help

• Seeking help but not following through

• Not compliant to boundaries

• Saying one thing but the actions are the opposite.

• Picking fights or emotionally engaging leaving you depleted.

• You find yourself overwhelmed and depleted on a regular basis after dealing with this person.

You need to tell yourself this:

“Wanting to help this person is a trauma response.

Respecting your own space and theirs is a healing response.”

This isn’t about letting them go or holding on

it’s about stepping into secure energy.

⭐ PART 5 — What your healing will look like

As you shift into secure attachment, you will notice:

✨ 🩷You stop chasing

✨ 🩷 You stop overgiving

✨ 🩷You stop wanting to fix people

✨ 🩷You start wanting stability

✨

🩷 You feel attracted to men who show up consistently

✨ 🩷Emotionally unavailable people stop being magnetic

✨ 🩷Your self-worth becomes internal, not dependent❤️‍🩹

And for the first time, YOU get to receive love not just give it.

Let me know how you feel, if this helped you if you need more help or if you want to chat you can reach me at:

Nikki Quantz beastmodelife.info

beastmodelifecoaching@gmail.com